As with many other parts of our lives, the line between “real” and “virtual” is becoming increasingly blurry and even down-right misleading.? Can you call something virtual as opposed to real, when the former may lead to something more durable and satisfying?? I don’t see how, and that is exactly the topic of a recent study of marriages which began as on-line relationships vs. those which began in person.
According to a new study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, of couples who got together online, 5.9% broke up, versus 7.6% of those who met offline, the study found. Of 19,131 couples who met online and got married, only around 7% were either separated or divorced (the overall U.S. divorce rate is 40% to 50%, experts say).
To be sure, one study does not a trend make, nor does anybody know if the study looked out beyond 7 years, if the numbers would hold.? But what we do know, is that sharing more of who you are – what values animate you, what excites you, how you think about life, etc. – as is often required by more sophisticated on-line dating sites, is pretty typically a better way to get a relationship to work.
The magic, I don’t imagine, lies in the technology per se, but in any setting or mode of connection which brings people together based on more than physical attraction, the drink one likes, or one particular interest the partners happen to share – not that those are unimportant!? The magic lies in thinking not about what is “real” and what is “virtual”, but what settings invite us to be who we feel ourselves most deeply to be, and to learn the same about a potential partner.
Sustaining relationships is not easy, and with greater intimacy and vulnerability, can come even greater challenges.? But the more likely two people feel that they are reading from the same book, or at least trying to, it does seem reasonable that that are more likely to make it through the inevitable times when they are not on the same page.
Listed for many years in Newsweek as one of America’s “50 Most Influential Rabbis” and recognized as one of our nation’s leading “Preachers and Teachers,” by Beliefnet.com, Rabbi Brad Hirschfield serves as the President of Clal–The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership, a training institute, think tank, and resource center nurturing religious and intellectual pluralism within the Jewish community, and the wider world, preparing people to meet the biggest challenges we face in our increasingly polarized world.
An ordained Orthodox rabbi who studied for his PhD and taught at The Jewish Theological Seminary, he has also taught the University of Pennsylvania, where he directs an ongoing seminar, and American Jewish University. Rabbi Brad regularly teaches and consults for the US Army and United States Department of Defense, religious organizations — Jewish and Christian — including United Seminary (Methodist), Yeshivat Chovevei Torah (Modern Orthodox) Luther Seminary (Lutheran), and The Jewish Theological Seminary (Conservative) — civic organizations including No Labels, Odyssey Impact, and The Aspen Institute, numerous Jewish Federations, and a variety of communal and family foundations.
Hirschfield is the author and editor of numerous books, including You Don’t Have To Be Wrong For Me To Be Right: Finding Faith Without Fanaticism, writes a column for Religion News Service, and appears regularly on TV and radio in outlets ranging from The Washington Post to Fox News Channel. He is also the founder of the Stand and See Fellowship, which brings hundreds of Christian religious leaders to Israel, preparing them to address the increasing polarization around Middle East issues — and really all currently polarizing issues at home and abroad — with six words, “It’s more complicated than we know.”