Are you a quitter or a gritter? Do you take special pride in your ability to stick to a task, or to getting your kids to do so? Does it matter what is actually being accomplished, or does that not even matter because life is mostly about staying in the game, no matter what?
Is grit – defined by its most prominent proponent, University of Pennsylvania psychologist Angela Duckworth, as “the tendency to sustain perseverance and passion for challenging long-term goals” – really as important as it is increasingly fashionable to claim? Or as suggested by Alfie Kohn, author of The Myth of The Spoiled Child, is grit simply the next new thing to be greeted with “a degree of breathless enthusiasm unmatched since, well, the last social-science craze”? Is quitting really a more reasonable response to life, as Kohn would have us believe? The answer, as with most dichotomies, is actually yes.
Perseverance for its own sake can be foolish, and even dangerous.
Kohn is certainly provocative, and even wise, in his deconstruction of the current “grit trend” in the fields of parenting, education and psychology. He rightly points out that perseverance for its own sake can be foolish and even dangerous. How often have we told our kids (or ourselves) to “just hang in” and “keep at it,” without stopping to ask ourselves, For what purpose? To what end? Even worse is the self-loathing or disappointment when we, or our kids, give up on the task at hand.
Kohn would have us believe that rather than thinking of it as “giving up”, we see ourselves as choosing to stop whatever it is we are doing, presumably because it is not working for us. He’s certainly correct that not every decision to stop pursuing a previously established goal is synonymous with giving up. He’s also right that treating ourselves, and others, with a greater measure of compassion when we quit is an important capacity to develop. That doesn’t mean, however, that it’s always the best approach.
Sometimes “choosing to quit” is giving up. And there are certainly times when the grit Kohn cautions against is a healthy, necessary ingredient to living a full, successful and happy life. Giving up on grit can be every bit as poor a choice as making it the be-all and end-all of our success model.
How many times have you hung in with a goal when it wasn’t going well, only to discover a wonderful success – often, in ways that you never could have anticipated if you’d opted out? How often have you worked an extra hour, or done one more rep at the gym, only to finish with the realization that you’re more capable than you imagined?
It’s true that not every time we quit a task – choosing some other value over grit – we should beat ourselves up for being weak or lazy. Also true: grit has a unique value which goes far beyond accomplishing the task at hand. In fact, choosing to be a gritter instead of a quitter teaches us things about ourselves, and the world, which we’ll simply never know otherwise.
Neither being a gritter or a quitter should be as fully embraced in every situation. Be a quitter sometimes, and a gritter at other times. While this won’t sell as many books as declaring why one over the other is really the way to succeed in life, it’s a combination that works wonders.
Listed for many years in Newsweek as one of America’s “50 Most Influential Rabbis” and recognized as one of our nation’s leading “Preachers and Teachers,” by Beliefnet.com, Rabbi Brad Hirschfield serves as the President of Clal–The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership, a training institute, think tank, and resource center nurturing religious and intellectual pluralism within the Jewish community, and the wider world, preparing people to meet the biggest challenges we face in our increasingly polarized world.
An ordained Orthodox rabbi who studied for his PhD and taught at The Jewish Theological Seminary, he has also taught the University of Pennsylvania, where he directs an ongoing seminar, and American Jewish University. Rabbi Brad regularly teaches and consults for the US Army and United States Department of Defense, religious organizations — Jewish and Christian — including United Seminary (Methodist), Yeshivat Chovevei Torah (Modern Orthodox) Luther Seminary (Lutheran), and The Jewish Theological Seminary (Conservative) — civic organizations including No Labels, Odyssey Impact, and The Aspen Institute, numerous Jewish Federations, and a variety of communal and family foundations.
Hirschfield is the author and editor of numerous books, including You Don’t Have To Be Wrong For Me To Be Right: Finding Faith Without Fanaticism, writes a column for Religion News Service, and appears regularly on TV and radio in outlets ranging from The Washington Post to Fox News Channel. He is also the founder of the Stand and See Fellowship, which brings hundreds of Christian religious leaders to Israel, preparing them to address the increasing polarization around Middle East issues — and really all currently polarizing issues at home and abroad — with six words, “It’s more complicated than we know.”