Teens getting drunk at parties is nothing new, and by now, neither is the even more disturbing (though thankfully less common) practice among teenagers of sexting. However, a recent article from psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow reports that it isn’t just sexting; many kids are sharing explicit photos of themselves online.
Dr. Ablow offered some parenting advice which I found myself both sympathetic to, and genuinely upset by. He suggests:
- Regular drug-testing,
- Confiscation of cell phones,
- Removal of internet connectivity,
- Temporary suspension from school,
- Intensive psychotherapy.
But that’s it. That is all he recommends.
I have no problem with being tough in the face of real problems. But ultimately, good parenting is about more than the panoply of punishments and therapeutic outsourcing to which Ablow’s advice is limited. To be sure, real parenting wisdom should empower parents to unapologetically confront their kids, and to discipline them as necessary, but that’s not all it should accomplish.
Where is the advice that would help parents and kids engage each other, talk with each other, nurture mutual love and respect? Where is the advice that helps parents embrace the twin realities of real discipline AND unconditional love? It’s not either/or!
In dealing with our imperfect kids, what helps is affirming unshakeable love for them, combined with confidence that no one screw-up defines the totality of who they are.
I’m sure I would be less than calm, to say the least, if I saw one of my daughters in any of the photos described in the article. In fact, I’m sure that I’d have a major melt down…at first.? But somewhere along the line, and this is where the wisdom kicks in, I would also ask my kid some engaging questions, with real interest:
- What do you think led you to do this?
- Do you feel good about what you did?
- If not, how can I help you get to a better place?
Not easy to do – but difficult conversations are part of wise parenting.
I’m not a psychiatrist. But I know that in dealing with challenging moments in the lives of my own imperfect kids, what helps is the combination of affirming my unshakeable love for them, and my confidence that no one screw-up defines the totality of who they are. This approach, in addition to some of the tough love measures recommended by Dr. Ablow, is the most effective means of getting both my kids, and myself, to a healthier place.
Listed for many years in Newsweek as one of America’s “50 Most Influential Rabbis” and recognized as one of our nation’s leading “Preachers and Teachers,” by Beliefnet.com, Rabbi Brad Hirschfield serves as the President of Clal–The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership, a training institute, think tank, and resource center nurturing religious and intellectual pluralism within the Jewish community, and the wider world, preparing people to meet the biggest challenges we face in our increasingly polarized world.
An ordained Orthodox rabbi who studied for his PhD and taught at The Jewish Theological Seminary, he has also taught the University of Pennsylvania, where he directs an ongoing seminar, and American Jewish University. Rabbi Brad regularly teaches and consults for the US Army and United States Department of Defense, religious organizations — Jewish and Christian — including United Seminary (Methodist), Yeshivat Chovevei Torah (Modern Orthodox) Luther Seminary (Lutheran), and The Jewish Theological Seminary (Conservative) — civic organizations including No Labels, Odyssey Impact, and The Aspen Institute, numerous Jewish Federations, and a variety of communal and family foundations.
Hirschfield is the author and editor of numerous books, including You Don’t Have To Be Wrong For Me To Be Right: Finding Faith Without Fanaticism, writes a column for Religion News Service, and appears regularly on TV and radio in outlets ranging from The Washington Post to Fox News Channel. He is also the founder of the Stand and See Fellowship, which brings hundreds of Christian religious leaders to Israel, preparing them to address the increasing polarization around Middle East issues — and really all currently polarizing issues at home and abroad — with six words, “It’s more complicated than we know.”