YOUR CHOICES DEFINE YOU
Years ago, as a newlywed, I was lounging on the couch one evening, reading Raising Children to Care: A Jewish Guide to Childrearing by Miriam Adahan.
Though I didn’t have any children yet, I was expecting my first and wanted to get a head start on parenting. Adahan wrote some of the most transformative sentences I had ever read, introducing me to the idea that our choices define us and shape the life we lead.
She and other leading psychologists espouse the fact that your daily choices either connect you to your soul and G-d-given mission, or they move you farther away. What you choose determines who you are, who you become, and what your life will look like.
These many years later, I’ve come to believe that these are the three choices that will most define us:
1. WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING?
Nili Couzens shares a beautiful analogy of a college graduate who applies for a coveted job in finance. He is invited for a third interview after making a great impression. He believes he has secured the job.
The receptionist says, “I’m sorry, we are running late. Do you mind waiting in the conference room?”
The young man gladly agrees and chooses a seat around the large table of the conference room.
After a few minutes, an intern enters and asks if he can remove the chairs for a meeting taking place next door.
The college graduate replies, “Of course you can! I’m just waiting. Do your thing!”
As the intern begins to work up a sweat, he stares, bewildered that the college graduate hasn’t attempted to help.
The truth is, there is no meeting. This is all just a test. The intern is actually the CEO, and is watching to see if the college graduate will offer to help.
The kid casually sits there while this CEO clears out every chair.
The CEO then states, “Yeah…we won’t need your services.”
The interviewee is shocked. “But my interview is in a few minutes!”
“You just were interviewed,” the CEO replies.
Life is made up of millions of moments where you think the big interview is about to start. But the interview is now, when you think no one is watching.
Who are you when you think no one is looking? That’s who you really are, and it’s your baseline for growth. It’s also the difference between your reputation and your integrity. Reputation is what others think of you, while integrity is what you perceive of yourself.
Moshe, the Prince of Egypt, saw a Jewish slave being beaten by the Egyptian taskmaster, so Moshe fought back, killing the Egyptian taskmaster.
Right before Moshe struck, the Torah writes, “Moshe looked to his left and right” (Exodus 2:12).
At first, it seems that Moshe was glancing around to make sure no one was watching. But Rabbi Shlomo Einhorn explains that Moshe was actually having an existential crisis. “He needed to choose between two ways. One would have him continue his life as an Egyptian Prince, the other would have him abandon his power and prestige and embrace the heritage of his people.”
Would Moshe join his fellow Jews? Or would he continue to observe from a distance?
It was a decision between his reputation and his integrity. He chose integrity.
Ask yourself, Who am I doing this for? Is it for myself or for someone else’s perception of me?
2. WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE WHEN IT’S HARD?
If you want to become a stronger person, focus on choosing what is harder to do or what requires more energy.
The choice might appear while you are sitting on the couch. Should I press the button on the remote and be entertained for hours, binge-watching Netflix, or should I get up and tackle that work presentation?
When you make the more difficult choice, you build confidence. If you try to make at least one hard choice a day, you’ll see how “I can do hard things” will become your motto.
During the COVID-19 pandemic, when all my children were home 24/7, I never would have dreamed I could complete a manuscript. But I made one hard choice: Instead of napping, I typed. Ten minutes a day of writing during that challenging time made the book a reality.
Every time you make a hard choice, you are reinforcing a message to your brain about the type of person you are. Just like you wouldn’t flake on other people, don’t flake on yourself. In doing this, you become a stronger version of yourself.
How we see ourselves directly affects our choices, and making choices directly changes how we see ourselves. Break the cycle by making one good choice right now.
3. WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE WHEN YOU ARE AFRAID?
Michal Oshman, a top executive at TikTok UK, wrote a best-selling book entitled What Would You Do if You Weren’t Afraid?
As a budding corporate professional, she had walked into her first day on the job at Facebook and saw a poster with this question on the wall. She began to live her life with this question in mind, which contributed to her remarkable success in both business and personal life.
If you could magically remove fear from the equation, how would you behave?
Many of us fear failure and do everything in our power to avoid it. This fear often stems from the desire to be perfect. But perfectionism won’t make you feel better about yourself, and it won’t create excellence, either.
Perfectionism is really just anxiety pretending to help you.
You may wonder, how can I achieve excellence without perfectionism?
The difference between perfectionism and excellence is the focus. Perfectionism focuses on the mistakes, both current and potential. Perfectionism prevents excellence because it focuses on what’s wrong instead of what’s strong.
Rather than being fearful of mistakes and deficiencies, focus on the positive aspects of them. Being slow may be a deficiency, but it can also allow a person to be more thorough. There is always something positive to glean from your mistakes and deficiencies.
You might be afraid, but trust in Hashem, know you are going to make mistakes, and proceed forward.
These three questions will help build and shape you into the person you want to be. Choose wisely, and remember—you are your choices!
Sarah Pachter is a dynamic, motivational speaker who has lectured throughout the US and Israel. For the past fifteen years Sarah has taught women of all ages and levels of Jewish observance, drawing in large crowds with her innovative and personal touch.
Sarah has been featured on the Radio, is a regular columnist, and a freelance writer for the Jewish Press, Aish.com, Ami, The Jewish Home as well as many other publications. She has authored Small Choices Big Changes published by Targum Press. She currently resides in Los Angeles with her husband and four children.