Sometimes we need to let the past be in the past. It’s not always easy – and it’s certainly not always appropriate choice. But sometimes it’s true that forgetting a part of your past is the best way to create a better future.
Forgetting can be a remarkable gift – allowing ourselves to forget painful things we regret, resolving to forget the hurtful acts of others. Most of us have moments in our past that we wish were different, and many of us carry those hurts and resentments with us, each new day we live; this can shape our present. In some of those situations, choosing to forget really is the way to go.
As one who watched his father lose the ability to remember anything, and as I’m also steeped in a spiritual tradition that’s almost obsessed with the importance of memory, I find the notion of simply “forgetting” quite a challenge. It’s complicated to advocate for the blessing of forgetting, but there really are times when there’s no wisdom gained by reliving a certain moment in the past, or trying to learn from it.
In the wake of some traumas, especially those not of our making, or for which we cannot be held accountable, there is something to be said for allowing ourselves to forget what others did or failed to do.
Trying to give yourself (or others) a truly fresh start may lead you to a better life than holding on to certain past hurts and mistakes.
I’m not suggesting that you naively court further pain and suffering by blithely discarding important moments in your history. I’m simply suggesting that pledging to work at letting go – trying to give yourself (or others) a truly fresh start – may lead you to a better life than all of the lessons you think you’ll learn by holding on to past pains, hurts and mistakes.
Unfortunately, I can’t provide a foolproof formula for when forgetting is better than remembering. But I can say that it should at least be an available tool in dealing with the past – and not necessarily a tool of last resort. Being compelled by others to forget something momentous, or losing the ability to remember, is truly terrible. Freely choosing to forget, however, is another thing entirely.
Imagine trusting that you will never again remind yourself of something dark from your past. Imagine promising someone about whom you care, that you will never again revisit something they did which hurt you.
In doing so, you are neither belittling the importance of the past, or of that which was done to you. Instead, imagine that you are giving yourself a gift?- the gift of forgetting.
Listed for many years in Newsweek as one of America’s “50 Most Influential Rabbis” and recognized as one of our nation’s leading “Preachers and Teachers,” by Beliefnet.com, Rabbi Brad Hirschfield serves as the President of Clal–The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership, a training institute, think tank, and resource center nurturing religious and intellectual pluralism within the Jewish community, and the wider world, preparing people to meet the biggest challenges we face in our increasingly polarized world.
An ordained Orthodox rabbi who studied for his PhD and taught at The Jewish Theological Seminary, he has also taught the University of Pennsylvania, where he directs an ongoing seminar, and American Jewish University. Rabbi Brad regularly teaches and consults for the US Army and United States Department of Defense, religious organizations — Jewish and Christian — including United Seminary (Methodist), Yeshivat Chovevei Torah (Modern Orthodox) Luther Seminary (Lutheran), and The Jewish Theological Seminary (Conservative) — civic organizations including No Labels, Odyssey Impact, and The Aspen Institute, numerous Jewish Federations, and a variety of communal and family foundations.
Hirschfield is the author and editor of numerous books, including You Don’t Have To Be Wrong For Me To Be Right: Finding Faith Without Fanaticism, writes a column for Religion News Service, and appears regularly on TV and radio in outlets ranging from The Washington Post to Fox News Channel. He is also the founder of the Stand and See Fellowship, which brings hundreds of Christian religious leaders to Israel, preparing them to address the increasing polarization around Middle East issues — and really all currently polarizing issues at home and abroad — with six words, “It’s more complicated than we know.”