How can we rebuild relationships with loved ones from whom we’ve become estranged?? Let’s face it; if you have family, you almost certainly have relatives who fall into that category.
Of course, I know that with some estranged family members, we’re more content to keep them at bay, and feel justified in doing so. (Although, even there, we should at least acknowledge that we do pay a cost for the estrangement.) But here, I’m talking about the breakdowns in relationships we really wish could be repaired. Most of us all have at least one or two of those, right?
What concrete signal can you send that you really want to rebuild the relationship?
I don’t know anyone who, when being fully honest, can’t name loved ones with whom they wished things were going better. The falling out, or falling away, may have nothing to do with love. It may not be about what they (or you) did or failed to do – it may simply be how things are.
All human relationships have their ups and downs – their moments of coming close, and their periods of drawing apart. But when it feels like it’s too much of the latter, there are actually things that we can do to remedy, or at least improve, the situation. It’s not about the passive process of wishing that such relationships could be repaired. It’s about working on repairing them:
1.? Since a lot of us start by assuming that most of the fault for the rupture lies with the other party, start by asking yourself what it is that the person you’re estranged from could do, so that you’d be comfortable turning the page and really reconnecting with them.? Now ask yourself if that’s a reasonable expectation, and if so, are you really on the lookout for it? After all, it’s hard to find what you aren’t even looking for.
2. Next, make it as easy on yourself as possible: What do you need to do for yourself so that it’s easier to find what you’re looking for?? What support or circumstances could you seek out that will make you more likely to succeed?
3. Bear in mind that reconciliation almost always demands increased vulnerability and forgiveness from both sides. What could you do to reassure your estranged loved one that you are really ready to move on?? That you’re willing to be vulnerable with them, and you trust that they won’t take advantage of that vulnerability?
4. Finally, what concrete signal can you send that you really want to rebuild the relationship? Remember that this must be the signal for which the other party is waiting, not the one for which you are waiting. It may be as simple as a phone call or a hug, but such simple acts can have profound meaning and impact, especially when not anticipated.
Rebuilding relationships with estranged loved ones can be tricky, and these steps are not a guaranteed method, but they really can work in surprisingly powerful ways.? They have for me, and they can for you as well.
Listed for many years in Newsweek as one of America’s “50 Most Influential Rabbis” and recognized as one of our nation’s leading “Preachers and Teachers,” by Beliefnet.com, Rabbi Brad Hirschfield serves as the President of Clal–The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership, a training institute, think tank, and resource center nurturing religious and intellectual pluralism within the Jewish community, and the wider world, preparing people to meet the biggest challenges we face in our increasingly polarized world.
An ordained Orthodox rabbi who studied for his PhD and taught at The Jewish Theological Seminary, he has also taught the University of Pennsylvania, where he directs an ongoing seminar, and American Jewish University. Rabbi Brad regularly teaches and consults for the US Army and United States Department of Defense, religious organizations — Jewish and Christian — including United Seminary (Methodist), Yeshivat Chovevei Torah (Modern Orthodox) Luther Seminary (Lutheran), and The Jewish Theological Seminary (Conservative) — civic organizations including No Labels, Odyssey Impact, and The Aspen Institute, numerous Jewish Federations, and a variety of communal and family foundations.
Hirschfield is the author and editor of numerous books, including You Don’t Have To Be Wrong For Me To Be Right: Finding Faith Without Fanaticism, writes a column for Religion News Service, and appears regularly on TV and radio in outlets ranging from The Washington Post to Fox News Channel. He is also the founder of the Stand and See Fellowship, which brings hundreds of Christian religious leaders to Israel, preparing them to address the increasing polarization around Middle East issues — and really all currently polarizing issues at home and abroad — with six words, “It’s more complicated than we know.”