Recently, I wrote about the art of accepting compliments. On a related note, the whole question of when to say “I’m sorry,” and what those words mean, strikes very close to home with me. My guess is that it does the same for you.
We hear those two little words so often, and probably say them as often – but what do they mean? Are they an expression of passive regret about a particular circumstance, e.g., “I’m sorry that the coffee wound up on your shirt,” or under more serious circumstances, “that your loved one has died.” In those cases, the apology assumes no responsibility on the part of the one apologizing.
At times “I’m sorry” is a way of going beyond regret to actively seeking forgiveness, e.g., “I’m sorry I said those hurtful words” or “I’m sorry that I behaved boorishly.” And of course, sometimes it’s a mindless verbal placeholder, e.g., the “I’m sorry” uttered when we bump into something and say it without even looking up to realize that we bumped into a post, not a person!
Apologizing is not only something of which women and men should not be ashamed, it’s actually a source of goodwill and compassion.
Speaking of bumping into things: Men and women often use the words “I’m sorry” very differently, and as a married guy with three daughters, I bump up against that all of the time. Women, according to a number of studies, say “I’m sorry” far more often than men do (and reportedly mean something different than most guys do when we use those words).
Scientists theorize that women are comfortable apologizing more often because they may worry less about the projection of weakness or vulnerability, which supposedly come with offering the apology. In fact, some feminists have suggested that women should stop apologizing so much, as it is demeaning. That feels so misguided to me.
Happily, my view is supported by a great piece in Salon, written by Kylah Goodfellow Klinge, who argues that apologizing is not only something of which women and men should not be ashamed, it’s actually a self-reveling source of good will and compassion of which they should be proud. Amen!
Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I want the full-on mea culpa version of “I’m sorry.” That said, offering care and concern can never be a bad thing, and the notion that doing so either cheapens the words (or weakens the one offering them) is, I think, actually reveals a weakness in the one offering the critique – not the one apologizing.
Like many phrases, “I’m sorry” has many meanings. Narrowing the range of interpretations will not make any one of them more meaningful or valuable. In fact, I’m going to try and learn from my wife, my daughter and Kylah Goodfellow Klinge, and say “I’m sorry” more often – and proudly.
Listed for many years in Newsweek as one of America’s “50 Most Influential Rabbis” and recognized as one of our nation’s leading “Preachers and Teachers,” by Beliefnet.com, Rabbi Brad Hirschfield serves as the President of Clal–The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership, a training institute, think tank, and resource center nurturing religious and intellectual pluralism within the Jewish community, and the wider world, preparing people to meet the biggest challenges we face in our increasingly polarized world.
An ordained Orthodox rabbi who studied for his PhD and taught at The Jewish Theological Seminary, he has also taught the University of Pennsylvania, where he directs an ongoing seminar, and American Jewish University. Rabbi Brad regularly teaches and consults for the US Army and United States Department of Defense, religious organizations — Jewish and Christian — including United Seminary (Methodist), Yeshivat Chovevei Torah (Modern Orthodox) Luther Seminary (Lutheran), and The Jewish Theological Seminary (Conservative) — civic organizations including No Labels, Odyssey Impact, and The Aspen Institute, numerous Jewish Federations, and a variety of communal and family foundations.
Hirschfield is the author and editor of numerous books, including You Don’t Have To Be Wrong For Me To Be Right: Finding Faith Without Fanaticism, writes a column for Religion News Service, and appears regularly on TV and radio in outlets ranging from The Washington Post to Fox News Channel. He is also the founder of the Stand and See Fellowship, which brings hundreds of Christian religious leaders to Israel, preparing them to address the increasing polarization around Middle East issues — and really all currently polarizing issues at home and abroad — with six words, “It’s more complicated than we know.”