What if I told you that several world-renowned marriage therapists and bestselling authors struggled significantly at first within their own marriages? Would you be shocked if I shared that they even planned to divorce at different points early on?
What if I told you one of my students was miserable in her marriage, but today her marriage has transformed, and she is now happily married and adores her spouse?
What if I told you that there is hope for you, too? Read on to find four practical secrets to a happy marriage that took others years to discover and implement. Don’t nix it; fix it!
- “He’s not who I thought he was.”
Shortly after walking down the aisle, many of us have a moment when we think we may have married the wrong person, that he or she fooled us somehow, and we contemplate getting out. Or after years of marriage, we might look back and think, Who am I married to?
Your spouse probably isn’t exactly who they were when you were dating, but that’s okay. Relationship expert Laura Doyle’s Six Basic Tools of Intimacy can help both you and your spouse rejigger the best version of yourselves, together.
My favorite of her skills focuses on expressing appreciation, something every human wants and needs. The lack of appreciation is the number one complaint that couples in marriage therapy express. But to express gratitude, you have to see it. Gratitude starts with developing a good eye, so you can begin to actively recognize your partner’s positive traits and acknowledge them. This skill alone can start to shift your marriage into something more pleasant.
The Hebrew word nega means affliction. When you shift the letters around, a new word emerges: oneg. Oneg means joy. How can two words with the same Hebrew letters mean opposite things? It’s all about where the ayin is placed. The ayin is not only to the letter in the alphabet but also the word ayin, which means eye. In other words, the difference between affliction and joy depends on where you put your eye.
Marriage can be your affliction or your greatest joy, depending on one thing: the placement of your eye. Develop a good eye by seeing the good and expressing it at the forefront.
- “The spark is gone.”
Perhaps your intimate relationship has faded, and you feel more like roommates passing each other by. Children, busy schedules, years of monotony, workaholism, and sheer exhaustion can all be factors that get in the way of developing closeness. Suddenly, you turn around and think, What happened to our marriage?
Gary Neuman, bestselling author on the topic of marriage, believes that a couple facing this challenge can fix it by carving out uninterrupted time for one another. A non-negotiable date night where neither spouse speaks about finances or the children is a great way to reignite chemistry. Alternately, spending just thirty minutes a day simply talking openly can develop closeness. Yes, you are busy, work is demanding, and the children need you, but your relationship comes first. Make time to really connect, and sparks can reignite.
Even more important than weekly dates or daily conversation is a couple’s attentiveness to one another. John Gottman, another marriage expert, claims that the most important point to reigniting that spark is the willingness to turn towards each other’s “bids for attention.” In fact, he is able to predict divorce with 91% accuracy, based on watching merely five minutes of any couple’s interaction style. Attentiveness to your partner and his or her needs is the key to reconnection.
Gottman explains, “Bids are subtle because people are afraid to be vulnerable and put themselves out there. It’s scary to say, ‘Hey! I want to connect! Pay attention to me!’ So instead, we reach out, hoping to receive a connection in return.”
Sparks are kindled from daily, small gestures of connection.
- “I hate my in-laws!”
One student who was newly married called me to complain that her in-laws expected her and her husband to join them every Friday night for dinner.
“I’m suffocating, and I need my space. My mother-in-law sneakily gets my husband’s buy-in without me, so if we then retroactively say no, she knows it’s coming from me.” It was enough to make her think, Why are my in-laws controlling my life?
Such a situation could have easily been avoided if the couple had explained to his parents, together, that those expectations were unreasonable and needed to be dialed back.
Some in-laws can really wreak havoc in a marriage, especially if they are toxic in disposition.
The greatest secret to healthy in-law relationships is setting boundaries.
Access to specific rooms of the temple (beit hamikdash) required various responsible actions from the Kohen (priest). His requirements included bathing, changing his garments, and high-level spiritual behavior. Similarly, every one of us is a miniature beit hamikdash, and if someone wants access to you, he or she needs to behave responsibly. Access comes with responsibility. You can and should set a boundary.
Here is the bigger secret: Your boundaries don’t need to—and most of the time actually shouldn’t—be shared with others. You don’t have to announce your boundary; you just have to stick to it respectfully.
In the Torah, Genesis 2:23-25, it say, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
This is a strange statement because Adam and Eve had no parents.
G-d, for whom past, present, and future are all one, understood that parents and family could one day get in the way of a young couple developing their own bond. When the couple bonds together and agrees to boundaries that work for both of them, the dysfunction of others cannot penetrate their relationship.
- “We barely talk… And when we do, it’s a fight.”
So, your communication has soured. Every time you try to talk about something sensitive, there is an eruption, and sometimes it happens even when you talk about neutral topics. Perhaps your spouse stonewalls you, uses aggressive words, or defaults to some other mode of negative communication. You can’t seem to get it together to solve problems, and you wonder, What happened to our partnership?
Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt developed a research-based way to help improve communication in relationships. Some of their research actually took place within their own marriage! They had already written several best-selling books and had been practicing separately as marriage therapists for years. But secretly, they themselves were on the brink of divorce. As a last resort, they developed a system of communication that actually worked to solve their own problems. They have never been more happily married than today.
Their method is called “Imago Therapy,” and the technique is something incredible.
First, ask your spouse if it is a good time to talk about something important. If not, schedule for a later time, just as you would for a meeting.
Next, when one partner is speaking, the other should listen wholeheartedly and without interruption. You may even choose to take notes. When your spouse is done speaking, reflect back in a summary, asking, “Is this correct?” Allow your partner to modify his or her words to make sure you totally understand. After that, you can empathize and validate those feelings. The listening spouse should not give opinions, retorts, or any negative reactions; that job is just to listen and mirror their words.
Then it is your turn to speak, and your spouse can do the same for you.
This model of conflict resolution works if done correctly because it gives space to feel heard without arguing. No matter how outrageous your partner’s words are, you can still listen without judgment and validate, even if you disagree. If both partners truly go into the conversation wanting to listen, both spouses will also feel heard, and conflict usually melts away.
With these four tools in mind—appreciation, carving out time, boundaries, and effective communication, you can solve some of the core issues many relationships face. So, be brave and fix it, don’t nix it! You will be glad that you did.
Sarah Pachter is a dynamic, motivational speaker who has lectured throughout the US and Israel. For the past fifteen years Sarah has taught women of all ages and levels of Jewish observance, drawing in large crowds with her innovative and personal touch.
Sarah has been featured on the Radio, is a regular columnist, and a freelance writer for the Jewish Press, Aish.com, Ami, The Jewish Home as well as many other publications. She has authored Small Choices Big Changes published by Targum Press. She currently resides in Los Angeles with her husband and four children.