Ever make plans with someone, and then all of a sudden they switch things up on you? Of course you have! That’s life. Does it bother you? My guess is, even if you’re one of those people who pride themselves on your flexibility, if the plans were about something you consider a big deal, you’d find yourself annoyed. But why?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not challenging the legitimacy of the annoyance, because I experience it, too. It’s distressing when those around us depart from what we thought was an agreed-upon plan. However, by understanding the other party’s motivation, I think we can spare ourselves – and the loved ones we really do want to spend time with – a lot of grief.
Here’s an example. And yes, I have a large family with wildly divergent needs, spread out across the globe, so this is anything but theoretical, (with the exception of a few name changes).
You plan a vacation itinerary with family members. Everyone agrees to visit to the Grand Canyon. Subsequently, some of them decide to go to Las Vegas instead. Perhaps they tell you well in advance, perhaps not.
Are you annoyed because they didn’t consult you first, in which case you feel disrespected? I get that. But be cautious before diagnosing people’s invisible motivations based solely on their observable actions.
It’s distressing when those around us depart from what we thought was an agreed-upon plan.
It may be that you’d clearly expressed a preference, and they went ahead and made the change anyway – a reasonable cause for hurt feelings. Right then is the moment to think about the real goals of the family trip. How much of it was about the Grand Canyon, and how much of it was about being together as a family?
What if the “changers” said to you: “Yes, everyone had an original plan, but now we want to adjust it because we’ve learned about fun things to do in Vegas, and we really think that would be better for our part of the family. In fact, we’ll go to the Grand Canyon with you and then go on to Las Vegas.” What then?
Sounds pretty reasonable right? If it doesn’t, then you know that the trip was never about sharing some together time, or seeing the majestic Grand Canyon. It was about control. And when a group effort becomes about control, it’s only a matter of time before people get annoyed.
Now, if the commitment to travel as a family, at least part of the time, and stand together by the rim of the canyon (debate north rim vs. south rim on your own) has reassured you, and you feel okay with the new itinerary change, you’ll know that it was never about control, but about being together. And you’ll wish your loved ones good luck in Vegas!
Plans change. That’s life. And for most of us, that’s likely to be more or less okay, as long as we’re reassured that a departure from the plan is not about departing from the togetherness we hoped to experience as a group. When that togetherness is reassured, it’s amazing how much flexibility we can find. And what’s really amazing as a family reunion approaches and the conflicts resolve, is how together we can feel, even when we are miles apart.
Listed for many years in Newsweek as one of America’s “50 Most Influential Rabbis” and recognized as one of our nation’s leading “Preachers and Teachers,” by Beliefnet.com, Rabbi Brad Hirschfield serves as the President of Clal–The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership, a training institute, think tank, and resource center nurturing religious and intellectual pluralism within the Jewish community, and the wider world, preparing people to meet the biggest challenges we face in our increasingly polarized world.
An ordained Orthodox rabbi who studied for his PhD and taught at The Jewish Theological Seminary, he has also taught the University of Pennsylvania, where he directs an ongoing seminar, and American Jewish University. Rabbi Brad regularly teaches and consults for the US Army and United States Department of Defense, religious organizations — Jewish and Christian — including United Seminary (Methodist), Yeshivat Chovevei Torah (Modern Orthodox) Luther Seminary (Lutheran), and The Jewish Theological Seminary (Conservative) — civic organizations including No Labels, Odyssey Impact, and The Aspen Institute, numerous Jewish Federations, and a variety of communal and family foundations.
Hirschfield is the author and editor of numerous books, including You Don’t Have To Be Wrong For Me To Be Right: Finding Faith Without Fanaticism, writes a column for Religion News Service, and appears regularly on TV and radio in outlets ranging from The Washington Post to Fox News Channel. He is also the founder of the Stand and See Fellowship, which brings hundreds of Christian religious leaders to Israel, preparing them to address the increasing polarization around Middle East issues — and really all currently polarizing issues at home and abroad — with six words, “It’s more complicated than we know.”